"Welcome again, plant lovers. It's so nice to be back on the air. I'm your host, the tree man, Louis Thull, and this is the Green Life Hour. It seems that the Brownies didn't like what we we're doing with your hard-earned dollars and decided to bomb our transmission tower. But we were quick to respond to this act of terrorism. It was fortunate that we were upgrading our facilities with the dollars that you send us here at KGRN to keep the world a safe place for all greenery.
     "Now before we get to today's essay, we should turn our thoughts to business, since we have been denied our communications link for some weeks. Our spray teams have been doing quite well at the nations airports, spraying adhesive on all those they find to be wearing cotton clothes. Our target hit claims are up an amazing seventy percent, and those are figures that are truly inspirational. Let's stop cotton abuse in its tracks, here and now.
     "Our own demolition teams have been achieving great numbers of scores on farm equipment repair shops and mower repair shops, with a new direction being taken by the second brigade in starting an offense on florists. Today, six brutal sellers of hideously dead flowers went up in a big way. Our protest groups have been concentrating primarily on the big retailers of mowers and lawn equipment, fighting the war from the other end. Sales of new plant killing machines are down again this month. Great going. Hang in there. You're doing a marvelous job.
     "The subversion department has made great progress in infiltrating workers with highly contagious diseases, such as hepatitus, cholera, and typhoid fever, into vegetarian restaurants all across this great nation. This will do much to greatly reduce the ghastly practice of chlorophyll digestion. Brrr. The thought of it makes me ill. Kids, you're absolutely right in not wanting to eat your vegetables. It's a murderous practice.
     "And let's not forget the valiant effort that our army is putting up down in Brazil, stopping the abominable decimation of the tropical rain forests for the evils of agriculture. They have so far destroyed some sixty percent of the cruel machines that are used to wholesale butcher the plant life that we love so dearly. But they need your support. Money is needed if the struggle is to continue against the Brown Earth forces.
     "Please, Green Lifers, give to the effort, support the tide that opposes the senseless and brutal destruction of the blessed vegetation of this world. We are making progress, but we have a long way to go before we get the people of the world to cease brutalizing our dear rooted friends. We desperately need your support, because the problem will not go away by itself. Plants can't just move out of the way like people can. We'll be back in a moment with today's essay."

     "Friends, are you tired of your neighbor threatening to report you to the health department if you don't mow your lawn. Tired of having all those wooden houses on your block. Are the kids tired of being badgered at school by their cruel peers for wearing clothing made of synthetic material? Are you revolted by the sprout eaters that live three houses down? Tired of dates putting you down for not eating your dinner salad?
     "Well, we have good news for you. Our labs have just invented a new poison, entirely man-made from non-organic materials, that will cut the complaints you hear from just about anyone. This poison is completely untraceable by modern forensic medicine, and it kills slowly and painfully, but is guaranteed not to harm plant life. And in our inconspicuous new long distance drop dispenser, you don't even have to get within touching distance to use it on those annoying and savage Brownies and their sympathizers.
     "And the good news is that it comes complete with antidote for the purchaser and his circle of Green Life friends and associates. That's right. Once a week, the antidote is taken orally, and the user may handle the poison like water without fear. And it's easy enough for Little Jimmy to use at school, as you see here. Jimmy just switches the dispenser to continuous spray and turns loose an arcing stream of poison that drops down onto the heads of the jean-wearing bullies that made fun of his polyester shirt and pants. They won't be there to make fun of him in a couple of hours.
     "Now, through Green Life Mail Service, you can purchase the entire system, a year's generous supply of our new poison, three, count 'em, three new long range drop dispensers, and a plentiful supply of antidote in one convenient kit for the low price of one hundred and fifty dollars. And you'll know that a portion of the proceeds goes to help our boys down in Brazil, risking their lives to keep the forests alive.
     "It's an amazing system whose time has come. Its victims usually never know what hit them, and neither do their doctors. At most, they feel a drop of rain. That's all it takes to make them a thing of the past, gone the way of the dinosaurs, while teaching them the lesson of the pain that they have inflicted upon the poor innocent plants of the world. So don't delay. Send today. Don't wait until there are no Brownies left in your neighborhood before you get yours."

     "Thank you, Berry Barry. Green Lifers, today's essay is on the greed and the horrors it breeds. Greed lives all around us. We see it everyday in many ways. The abhorrence of brutality surrounds us on every side. Our friendly trees used in sacrilege for building homes, furniture, newspapers and magazines, paper bags at the store, charcoal for grills, and the worst desecration of all, toilet paper. We see it in chlorophyll digestion, not only at the dinner table of the sprout eaters and the ignorant, but from tobacco and marijuana smokers and the drinking crowd as well. The sins are rampant.
     "We can get by without putting plants in our system, if only we can overcome the glamour of greed. There are plenty of stimulants and mind controlling agents available made from purely synthetic processes without having to revert to plant products. Instead of a alcoholic drink, made by brutally rotting precious plantlife in a sealed container, take a valium. If you are into heavier stuff, stay away from pot, psilocibin, cocaine, and peyote. Use acid, perks, speed, or any of the other non-plant drugs. You don't have to be a consumer of plant products, if you just pay attention and not be greedy. Just use your common sense and ask yourself if you are hurting a plant and the future of other plants in your actions.
     "Only when we eliminate the demand for plant products will they cease being manufactured. And we must start with ourselves before we go out to convince others. Look at the things you do in a day. Drive a car, that's fine, as long as you drive a car that doesn't have natural rubber tires and fittings. Look for the synthetics. Using the phone is just fine. No plants involved there. Eating meat, petroleum derivatives, sugar substitutes, and dairy products are dandy. Ignore the scare on cholesterol. It's highly overrated and an invention of the Brownies.
     "Wear polyester, nylon, rayon, orlon, dacron, antron, acrylics, wool, furs, synthetic leather, and silk, and make sure that your heavier clothing is filled with down or a synthetic batting. Avoid cotton and flax fabrics. Leather should be highly shunned, because the tanning process uses plant chemistry in its curing. All you have to do is read the labels when you buy clothes. That should rule your thoughts before you judge how good you look in it, how good the colors look, or how comfortable they are. Remember that plants suffer when they're made into clothes. And please, no straw hats.
     "Avoid woven baskets. There is nothing wrong with plastic. Settle for linoleum floors without natural fiber rugs and carpet, and forget wood floors. It's easy when you sit down to think it over when you are buying, but harder to justify it once the mistake of purchasing plant products is made. If your child is interested in music, purchase him a good metal horn or organ or plastic body electric guitar. Don't get a violin or wooden guitar or wood winds. If he's interested in drums, make sure that the bodies are plastic and not wood. The see-throughs are very hot, you know.
     "As you can see, it just takes a little regard when purchasing. Don't buy on impulse. Study what you are buying. A failing demand for products made of plant materials is worth ten thousand bombs in the production facilities. The best way to destroy the industries based on cruel plant exploitation is to put them into debt by drying up their market. They will only rebuild after a bomb. They will not rebuild after debt. Deny the lumber companies and farmers and florists and sprout growers a viable market, and they will vanish from the earth.
     "Their pocket books and their means of distribution are their weak links. Defeat those, and we are on the way to winning the war against plant abuse. Educate those around you on the evils of plant exploitation. Teach them viable alternatives for plant products. Praise the wonders of plastic. Explain the trauma that plants suffer at the hands of man. We can help you. We have a complete software library of non-organic floppy discs that can show you and those around you how to live a happy, prosperous, plant-abuse free existence. Our software catalog is available on plastic paper for a simple contribution to Green Life for only one hundred dollars. No cash, please, unless it in the form of coin, and no checks made of paper. All major credit cards are accepted.
     "It doesn't take much to fight plant abuse. All it takes is a sincere conscientious effort of each and every one of us to control the greed within us to refuse anything which exploits our dear friends of the plant world, to ridicule anyone that accepts the brutal slaying of plants for human consumption or construction, and supporting Green Life with your generous donations. Only together can we save our dear friends, the poor defenseless plants of our eco-sphere."

     "And now, the Contribution Corner, submitted this week by Carl Lench."

     "Hi. I'm Carl, and I submitted this week's winning entry. For all you guys that don't want to mow the yard like your dad insists, do what I did. Mix half naptha and half oil stain coat, and add a pint to the lawn mower's gas tank. Thirty seconds of running on that mixture will send the mower to the scrap heap, I guarantee. You'll be free of the burdensome chore, and your lawn will thank you."

     "Contribution Corner is presented daily from suggestions sent in by you, the viewers and supporters of the Green Life Hour. If you would like to make a guest appearance, send your ideas to Contribution Corner, Green Life Hour, P.O. Box 134852101, Greeneburg, Kansas. We'll read your suggestions and pick the best we find. If your contribution is selected, we'll bring you here to the Green Life studios where you will be taped presenting your idea. Decision of the judges is final."

     "Folks, I want you to see something that just tickles me. Our lovely friend Lori has just arrived here at the studios, wearing her new full length sable coat. I just adore it. As -you can see, the lining is synthetic satin, and all the thread is nylon. Now that the new Russian Republic has lifted the ban on exporting sable, we should be seeing more and more of it arriving in the stores. And it is fabulous. So smooth and sensuous, I almost wish that I was a woman. Sable is fabulous, let me tell you. Every woman should own one. Thank you, Lori. Oh, it makes you look so good.
     "Now we need to turn to the gritty part of the show. Frankly, being blow off the air has hurt the usual flow of contributions, and we're running behind budget here at Green Life. Had it not been for extortion money from companies for not blowing them up, just yet, we would be in debt. But we can not run forever without your donations. The war against plant abuse cost money. We have operations, and the army in Brazil, and administration duties, and lobbying assignments, and much more, and we can not make these accomplishments happen without the financial power that you provide. We are at a critical junction in our efforts, and your donation could make or break us in our endeavors to free the plant kingdom from the viciousness of man's heartless exploitation. As long as one blade of grass is cut, as one ear of corn is picked, as one weed is plucked, we have a obligation to progress our cause of plants' rights.
     "We need your dollars desperately. Men are out there right this very moment, cutting trees, harvesting farms, growing mushrooms for consumption, chopping flowers from plants so that they might never seed, playing golf on manicured greens, eating tender baby sprouts that will never see adulthood. This madness has got to end if we are to survive in harmony with nature. If we do not, human life has not long to survive. When plants die, people die. It's as simple as that, and we have the statistics to prove it.
     "So won't you dig down deep into your wallets for your credit cards. A few hundred or thousands of dollars is not too big a price to pay for the assured future of all life on Earth. We can not idly stand by and watch the Brownies gain victories over the plant kingdom. It takes our breath and souls away. To quote the Druid scriptures, translated to modern English: 'Tree, you are my life, I give to you my soul when I die, and with it my body to nourish your further growth. There is nothing that I can refuse you.' A touching selection, yet some of you sitting out there are not doing your share. If you are not helping us, you are assuring the domination and destruction of the Earth by the Brownies. Do you want to see only a vast expanse of bare ground, stripped by man of all its greenery? Well, that is what is happening right this moment, and it is spreading faster than you believe.
     "Not since Agent Orange have we faced such a crisis as we face now. We need your help. Send in your credit card numbers with expiration date and credit limit and current balance, and know the peace of mind that you are saving a plant. . . ."