"You look tired." Matt said, evaluating Todd.
     "Well, I'm not sleeping much. My dreams keep waking me up, and then I can't seem to get back to sleep. I'd like to stop dreaming and get some decent sleep for a change."
     "Well, you know that strong dreams are a reflection of your mental state. If your dreams are keeping you from sleep, it's sign of an emotional problem. You should see someone about it."
     "My dreams have nothing to do with reality, except protruding upon it and robbing me of needed sleep." said Todd.
     "I can't buy that. The fact that they are robbing you of sleep is a sign of inner needs not being fulfilled, that you are emotionally needing. While their content may not reflect upon your waking life, their impact does." replied Matt.
     "And show me a truly contented person and other fairy tales. The human brain is never content. We may have everything we need, and we'd invent something to need. It is not our nature not to need."
     "So what did you dream about that woke you this morning?"
     "I was walking under a freeway overpass next to a police station carrying a full ashtray from my car. The police felt it was suspicious and decided to check me out. Now how does that apply to me, living way out here in the country, fifty miles from the nearest overpass?"
     "Well, you do travel."
     "Not much. Mostly to shop for things I need, and that isn't often. And that is routine. I'm not doing anything that the police would be interested in investigating."
     "I would say that you are insecure about your place in society, from the symbolism. The authorities look you over and find you wanting. That indicates that you are lacking in self-esteem. That is probably why you moved out here in the first place."
     "Hardly, not with the people that matter to me now."
     "But to people in general, Todd. You isolate yourself out here except by telephone and a very few visitors from considerable distance. Otherwise, you're keeping a wall around you that separates you from society. You must be questioning that wall of isolation. Your only contact is by phone, modem, fax, and mail. You have very little contact with society. I would say that your dream is a sign that you are questioning the level of contact that you are having with the world at large, that you feel lacking in coping with it, running away. Are you having a problem with your neighbors? Are any talking about you behind your back, something like that?"
     Todd shrugged. "I don't pay that much attention to them. If they feel that I am less than ideal, that is their problem, not mine. I don't bother them. If they talk, it is because they have nothing better to talk about than their suspicions. They aren't the type of people that I want as friends anyway. I chose my friends carefully. Those that I have are precious to me, well worth having, well worth helping. You don't find those people everywhere. The others I treat with shallow respect. If they chose to interpret that as a failing on my part, that is their problem."
     "How about problems within your circle of friends?"
     "Nothing that I can say is of note. Some are too busy for contact at times, much as I am at times when I'm producing. But there is no rejection there. My new friends treat me very well."
     "How about the family? Dad?"
     "Well, I'll never be anything in Dad's eyes. I'm not putting in forty hours a week on a rigid schedule and drawing a regular paycheck on which I can count. Other than that, no problems. You should know that."
     "Then what is your problem?"
     "I don't really have any problems. I pay my bills and taxes and eat well, and in today's economy, that's a sign of success. I get regular doses of seeing friends so that I don't get too antsy out here. I'm not at war with anyone, except maybe you, in your eyes."
     "Then why are you feeling inadequate?"
     "Because I'm human, Matt. There's always somebody doing something better than I can. There will always be somebody with problems that has to degrade me 'cause it keeps them from looking at themselves, a distraction degredation. Nobody can have everything they desire. 'Success' is meaningless except to the emotionally retarded."
     "It has to be more than that, Todd. Otherwise, you wouldn't have left your place in the company."
     "If it is, then I am blind to the problem."
     "Maybe you need to find another wife."
     "No, thank you. I've been through that. I gave up on true love. More trouble than it is worth, at least for me. I'm too easily smothered. I don't need another woman rocking my boat."
     "Todd, your dream clearly indicates that you are suffering a lack of self-esteem. What is it that is making you feel inadequate? You can tell me. I'm your brother."
     "Matt, I already told you. I'm human. By nature, I'm inadequate. If I wasn't inadequate, I'd be dead or grossly egotistical. It's the nature of the human mind to be inadequate. You, of all people, should see that, if you'd only let yourself do so. That's why we seek an education. That's why we fear the unknown. That's why we take pride in our accomplishments. That's why we seek to become more than we are, to improve ourselves in all areas. That's why we are so concerned with producing. That's why we're so concerned with making our mark on the world where such a mark goes widely unnoticed except by those people in our immediate circles. It's our prime motivation. It's why we've polluted the world and fought wars and acted cruelly toward others. We will never be satisfied with what we've got. We will always need more, no matter how much we get. Something is always missing from life, no matter how complete by relative standards. And we'll do just about anything to avoid the issue."
     "And that is why you are way out here in the middle of nowhere, away from people? That's why you left?"
     "I'm here to keep other people's inadequacies from interfering with the things I do. I like this forest. It gives me a natural inner-strength that I can find nowhere else. I like the birds and squirrels and tall trees and unpolluted streams. They speak to me, soothe me in a way that cities do not. I have a clear mind out here, untroubled by the woes of others that have a tendency to drain me of that strength."
     "You don't ever get lonely out here?"
     "Sure I do. That's why I have a phone. Matt, this is my element. This is what gives me inner-peace more than anything else. Here, animals don't run from me. They have learned to trust me. Other people they hide from. They recognize me, they know I mean them no harm from experience. I have squirrels that sit in my lap, but will approach no other person. I have birds that feed right next to me when no other people are around. I'm not alone here. I know the local deer herds, and they know me. I help them with salt and feed in the seasons when things are sparse. They do not burden me with philosophical deficits or chiding remarks. They offer me something primal that people have forgotten in the modern world.
     "I'm less alone out here than I am in the city. If I am inadequate, it's in the area of desire to scratch and claw my way to the top. I tried that and hated it. I don't like the restrictions and constraints of the inadequacies of the human mind isolated from the primal elements. I did my part for society in my work. I help keep the world a little bit brighter for my friends. But I don't feel the need to surrender that which gives me strength just to be a part of the great race to succeed. It costs too much. To me, my dream tells me not of inadequacy, but of resentment at the way people have destroyed the serenity of the world in the name of progress.
     "Sure, supermarkets are great and cars make things possible and electronics make the inaccessible places of the world accessible. But I refuse to be a part of the five foot easement between houses and apartment lifestyle. I need elbow room to think my own thoughts and feel my own emotions. Sure, I miss human contact at times, at all levels. But don't we all to some degree? But here, I have contact that most miss. How many people befriend wild animals? How many people know primal satisfaction? Why do you think that the world is so unhappy? I have the rarest of riches out here. I don't have millions, but I'm not in poverty either. I have the best of both worlds, Matt. I'm at peace with myself more than I ever have been in my entire life. I'm probably happier than you are being married. I have times that are lonely, but I am not dependent upon someone else for my happiness. I depend upon myself for that.
     "You spent about half your time miserable because Rika is not in a mood that matches yours. You're lonely half of your life these days. I am lonely maybe ten per cent of the time, if that much. I stay busy and productive, or I'm luxuriating in the strength of nature around me. When I really need people, I call or travel. They're there when I need them, if not one, then another good friend."
     "I don't know, Todd. It seems hollow to me, a waste of your life."
     "That is because you don't know what I have. I know love when a deer takes food from my hand. A deer never tells me that I'm a slob or stupid. I have friends when I need conversation, and they are good friends. I never fight with them, because I don't see them that often. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. My time with people is now bright and cheerful. I enjoy seeing people just about all the time that I do see them. You can't say that. How many times a day to you resent people?"
     "That's only natural."
     "No, it's not, Matt. It only happens when you see too much of people. I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather see too little than too much of people. I've grown tired of the need for release through excitement. That is only the need to distract yourself from the overload, to drain the excess from your system. I don't need that anymore. I feel cleansed inside. When was the last time that you felt that?"
     "I still feel that you are out here hiding."
     "Perhaps I am. Perhaps I'm just not a masochist anymore, and I'm hiding for my own good from that which is harmful."
     "How can you grow out here without daily contact with people?"
     "Maybe I no longer need to grow. Maybe I have grown enough and just need to use the growth that I have gained to better usages. I still grow, but just not in urban ways. Matt, I'm too smart to be a hick. I'm not a recluse in the traditional sense. I'm social when I see people. I watch the news to keep up on events. But so much of the social knowledge is just survival tripe to keep from going crazy in overcrowded conditions."
     "I still feel that you are wasting your life out here."
     "Matt, you said that already. I feel that I'm saving my sanity by getting to know myself better. I don't feel that I'm wasting my time, except when I dream vividly and don't get enough sleep. Big deal! You were never wakened in the middle of the night by dreams and couldn't go back to sleep? Were you so distraught? Now enough of this. Come on outside and let's see if I can introduce you to some of my braver friends that aren't so shy of strangers."


  

     "Well?" asked Rika, "Did you convince him to come back?"
     Matt sighed, quite tired from the drive back into the city. "I never even asked. He made it clear that he wasn't about to move back into town, much less go back to work for the company."
     "How so?"
     "Oh, he's deep into this Walden kick. He thinks he's Dr. Doolittle, talking to the local animals. He's too deep into his hermit phase to consider coming back."
     "So what are you going to do without him?"
     "I don't know. As long as he's on this nature kick and living off his savings he made from the company, supplemented by his free lancing that he does at the house, I doubt I'll be able to get him back with the company. He's just too content, like a spring unwound. I'll never find someone to replace him. Nobody thinks like he does, and now even he isn't doing it."
     "Maybe you should restructure the business. Go into something less research oriented. You still have a competent staff. They are bound to be good for something."
     "I don't know. There are plenty of companies doing that, and they are all starving for business. Without an original thinker like Todd, we are nothing unique. The whole success that we've enjoyed has been because he was the center of the company. Everything revolved around him and the way he looked at things. Now he's into petting deer and squirrels."
     "Maybe it's time to forget him, Matt. You know what they say about genius. Once the tension goes, the genius never returns. That drive is an integral part of the making of a genius. Once it goes, all that is left is a smart person, and there are plenty of smart people in the world. Genius is a hard road to travel. Maybe he just gave it all he had and it's over."
     "Don't say that, Rika."
     "Why not? Why don't I go up and talk to him? You're too close to the problem to be able to deal with it without letting emotion cloud your thinking. I'm close enough to know the situation, but I'm not all wrapped up in it. Maybe I can have better luck with Todd."
     "Why not? I can't deal with him like this."
     "Go get dressed and shaved. We have the party tonight."
     "I don't feel like going."
     "You have to go. You know that you can't duck this one." Rika patted him on the back and guided him to the bedroom to get ready.
     Matt began to freshen up, seeing Todd's laughing face in his mind at his surrender to social demands over his own wishes. But by the time he was out the door, he had shoved the issue into a hidden recess, out of sight, out of mind.


  

     Rika pulled up to the house and got out of the car. She took a deep breath and smelled the country around her.
     "Smells better than the city, doesn't it?" came Todd's voice from behind her.
     "If you are into this sort of thing." she responded without turning around.
     "Did Matt send you up here to try and talk me into coming back to work? I figured he would, since he didn't say what was on his mind when he was up here a few days ago. I've been expecting you."
     "I came up here on my own accord, but for the reason you stated. I wanted to see how deep into Thoreau you've gotten."
     "We'll, I'm not writing poetry yet. Why do you want me back, Rika?"
     "For Matt's sake. You know that without you, the company is about to fold. The last of your ideas is coming to fruition now, and once they are gone, the company will be sitting idle with nothing to do. The future of forty people rests on your returning to work at the company. Matt's future reputation is at stake. I'm concerned about him. You know, he could have gone into a more stable business, but he devoted his loyalty to you. He knew that you were brilliant, but that you had no business sense. He made money off of you, yes, but he could have made more elsewhere. But you would have made very little. As it turned out, you are doing far better at how he sacrificed himself to help you."
     "Are you trying to guilt-trip me?"
     "I just wanted to be sure that you knew the facts, Todd. I didn't want you to feel that you knew everything when you didn't. I want you to make your decisions responsibly. Matt took a lot of things off your shoulders for you so that you could make something out of yourself. That's the way he feels about family. In a way, it was good, but he shorted you in learning to be responsible. You always wondered why your dad favored Matt over you, despite the fact that you were smarter. It was because Matt was always more responsible while you always dreamed. It's not that your dreams aren't worthwhile. They are very worthwhile. It's just that you never got out of dreaming. You never faced reality."
     "Care for a cup of coffee, Rika?" Todd offered with a wry but honest smile.
     "Please. " Rika nodded, both acknowledging both the offer of coffee and Todd's bright emotional tenacity, always a little stronger than her resolve.
     They went into the house, and Todd poured them cups of coffee. Rika sat on the couch and waited for Todd to join her. He brought the cups and set them on the coffee table and sat beside her. "I take it that the lecture isn't over." he said before taking his first sip.
     "No, it isn't. Todd, you have wonderful dreams, but you aren't worth a damn in making them come true. You just don't have the skills. The world owes you more than it's given. You owe Matt more than you've given. I'm not telling you to come back into the city and live there. This is a wonderful place you have here. Very relaxing. But it's also very out of touch. You can't continue to be creative at the same level that you were when you lived in town. The stimulus is missing. What I'm suggesting is that you come into town for two days a week and spend the next five out here. Surely you could handle that. It would keep you in touch enough to keep you stimulated with ideas. You could come back here and work on them in privacy, if you have anything left to offer, that is."
     "What is that supposed to mean?"
     "I was considering the possibility that you've dried up. You could try it for a couple of months and find out if you have run dry."
     "Rika, before we go on, let me say something. The city nearly killed me. I came that close to blowing my brains out. The pressure, the noise, the constant bombardment of what other people wanted. It came that close to killing me. I had the pistol loaded and the safety off, the barrel at my forehead. I came out here because of that night, to see if there was any reason to go on. That is the one thing that kept me going, the thought that life might not just be a big pressure box. Had I stayed, I would have been dead now, at my own hand."
     "Todd, I know that Leslie had a hard time dealing with you. It's not easy for anyone to deal with your kind of intelligence. And Leslie wasn't your best choice either. From what I gather, she was spoiled as a child, used to having her own way. Not that you intended to do so, but you shot her self-image full of holes, just by being as smart as you are."
     "It wasn't Leslie. It was everything. I wasn't happy. All the time I felt like telling people to go to hell, but I couldn't without letting Matt down, so I didn't. I was wound up tight, like a spring ready to break. To be frank, I was glad to see Leslie go, though it hurt worse than anything I had ever known. All I ever wanted was something of a normal life, but I was destined not to have it. Do you have any idea what that feels like, to be a freak that everyone resents and derides behind your back? No one ever dared to be my friend. Oh, people talked to me if they could gain something from me, but no one ever took interest in my feelings. Not even Leslie. All she wanted from me was a secure home. She never understood the way I felt, nor did she care. She just felt that I was a safe investment, and she was in a rough spot and had to get out of it. I was her ticket, and she played me as such. Get married to a man that's making decent money. The reason I was never responsible was that no one ever allowed me to be responsible. I was expected to be perfect and was never allowed to do things that I wanted to do when it came to other people.
     "Rika, I am sick and tired of people, their motives, and their petty inadequacies. Nobody has ever cared about what I need. I'm so smart that nobody feels that they need to offer me anything that I want. No one ever asked me if I hurt inside. They just resented me because I made them feel small. I never had the chance to learn to be responsible until now. I'm learning because I now don't show my intelligence at full strength. I was always chided when I didn't give what was expected of me and rebuked when I tried to get people to give to me.
     "I now have friends that give to me, and for the first time in my life, I'm seeing what I was missing, and I resent all my past and the people that made it so. I'm just beginning to learn what it is to be a normal human being and not a freak of nature. I feel good for the first time in my life. People actually care about my feelings. I have friends that don't demand of me except that I be myself and give back. Do you have any notion of how good that feels to me? I'm accepted for the first time in my life. And you want me to give that up?"
     "No, Todd, I don't. I just don't want you to dump Matt in the process of doing it. He has given plenty to you."
     "Only what he needed to give me to get me to give him what he needed."
     "You're not being fair to him."
     "He was never really fair to me. Oh, he looked out for me, but not for my sake. Believe me, Rika. I gave him far more than he gave to me. He was always ashamed of me. He never let me get close to his friends. He was afraid that I'd scare them away because I was out of it. He pumped me my whole life, and he looked out for me to protect his own image. He never sat down and explained to me the things I didn't know. When I got in trouble, he'd bail me out, but he never told me what I'd done wrong. He didn't want to waste his precious time on me. He was too busy building his own life the way he wanted it. The only time he ever helped me was when I interfered or was beneficial to his goals.
     "And I helped him a lot. I sat and explained things to him time and again. And the only reason that he brought me into business was because my mother ask him to do so on her deathbed, and Dad heard him make the promise. I helped him get through high school and college with good grades, and he was a year ahead of me. He was too busy with his social dealings to study like he should have. He'd had never made college if it hadn't been for me. And I was ready to go to a better college, but he got me to go to the same one he did.
     "True, he was better at business than I was, because he learned to deal with people. He wasn't a freak that everyone avoided. But he never stood up for me when it came to his friends. If they called me cruel names, he never once took my side. He has never once in his life given me credit for being a full person. I was always his burden, his stigma of a brother. He never invited me to one of his parties. He was afraid that I would spoil his reputation."
     "I never realized that you resented Matt so."
     "I probably wouldn't have resented him if he hadn't resented me first, along with everybody else. Along with everybody else, an apt phrase for Matt. Actually, I'm rather past that, now that I've gotten out here. Now I rather pity him. You see, I never grew up in certain areas. Matt never grew up in others. Not that you'd notice, he's so smooth. Matt is what you want him to be, a social chameleon. He really has no self-identity. He's very good at being what others want him to be on the surface, but there isn't a true Matt. He is so many things and none of them. He's a mimic, an actor. You never see him out of control, because he's choas and emptiness below the surface, and he dare not let it out for others to see. You want a good husband that's responsible, and that is what he is for you. You've never seen him lose his temper, have you?"
     "No, not that I can remember."
     "I can, and he's a wild animal. All control. Can't let it slip, except to me. I've seen him angry. He's a lost soul, Rika. I feel sorry for him. I'm on the other extreme, all me and nothing else. I see that he feared me all these years, and he feared that I'd blow his cover, show him for what he really was, all front. He's very good at mimicking substance. You married a hollow man, Rika. There are a lot of hollow people in the world today, hiding behind masks, afraid to shed it and show their true colors. How I used to envy him for the ability to wear that mask. I used to think that if only I had that talent that all my troubles would be over. I'd no longer be 'El Geek-o'. Then people would quit attacking me.
     "But now I see that the people that attacked me were all putting up fronts because they didn't understand me. That's why I'm out here now, to get away from fronts. I have friends now that are like myself, unafraid to show themselves and accept people that also show themselves. They are people that have been hammered in life for being themselves, for not putting on the mask and blending in with the others. I've found that we are the truly intelligent people, because we spare ourselves the trouble of having to cover our tracks. We don't worry about our secrets being found out. We are open books. And people that wear masks don't like open books. That's why I'm here away from people now. I finally put my foot down for the first time in my life. No more masks. I'll never try to commit suicide again. I found that seed I saw in my mind when I almost blew my brains out due to the pressure of people with masks.
     "Do you now think that I'm irresponsible? Come outside and let me introduce you to the locals that easily see through masks. Animals never learned the art of masks, and they are very sensitive to masks. They don't trust masks. When Matt was up here, none of the animals would come near me when he was next to me. They saw his masks and knew that he was not to be trusted. Let's see how many masks you wear, if you have the courage to find out the truth about yourself. Let's see how far away from me you have to be before the animals come to me. For Matt, it was a hundred and fifty feet, or there about. Are you brave enough to undergo the test?"
     "I don't know what to say to all this."
     "Say what you mean. You fear I've gone off the deep end and am having delusions. I assure you that I haven't and I'm not. I haven't snapped. I'm still intact and coming up with all sorts of ideas. I have many discs of ideas that could make the family company a very sizable fortune. Better than any I've had before, and far more applicable to the human race at large. I've found a compound that turns infra-red into very smooth visible spectrum. Very efficient. Imagine a three watt light bulb that puts off the candle power of a two hundred watt incandescent tungsten bulb. Not like fluorescent bulbs that pulse and give you a headache if you work under them for too long. Continuous emission. Think of the power savings, and they're cheap to produce. You run them at lower temperatures and the filaments last almost forever. And the light is like daylight. Tint the bulb if you want a warmer or cooler light.
     "And that is just the start. I have an engine that could replace the internal combustion engine. No more smog and very lower power consumption. It's just very efficient. Very little heat as waste. You can grip it while it's running, and it's air cooled. No more dependency on foreign oil. And that's just the surface. I have come up with several hundred ideas that work. You see, out here, I can test my ideas without interference. They need more thorough testing, I admit, but I know they work and without the side effects of today's technology. How about natural one way heat transfer? Ovens and air conditioners without power input, controlled by the area of transfer with simple thermal insulated louvers."
     "Then why have you been holding out? Think of what this could do for mankind."
     "Considering what I said, think of what harm it could do to Matt. My question is whether or not I want to reward him for hiding from his true self. He'd never find himself with the fame the company would gain. He'd just use the fame to hide further from himself. Even more so, what harm could Matt do the world if he handles the business end of this wrong? Will he sell these ideas to the wrong people with just profit and power in mind? Can you assure me that Matt would come to peace with himself if I were to offer these ideas to the company?"
     "I'm not totally convinced that Matt is what you say he is."
     "That's easy enough to find out. Tell him that I blew his cover and you're walking out on him and telling everyone what a louse he is. You'll see his true colors then. My question is whether or not you can teach him to come to peace with himself. I know full well that you can't if you are not at peace with yourself. That is why I ask if you are willing to take my test and see how close you can stand to me and have the animals come to me. If you can pass my test, I'll give you a couple of ideas to keep the company going. They won't be the big ones. They'll be just enough to keep the company from going under. I'll keep feeding tid bits to them until you can bring Matt up here and have the animals come to me with him touching me.
     "You and Matt want to keep the company going. I want to see my brother finding inner peace and feeling good about himself. This test is the only way that I can see me getting what I want. I am tired of pitying my brother. Give me what I want, and I'll give you what you want. That's a fair enough deal, don't you think?"
     "Assuming that all you say is true."
     "Rika, I am not stupid. I feel that all I have said makes sense, and I've given you a way to verify what I've said. All that I see at question is your willingness to cooperate with me. And that will be answered with my test. If you are honest with yourself and others and you bear no malice, then you have nothing to fear from the test."
     "Letting dumb animals test my character?"
     "They're not so dumb. Their intelligence is just not of the sort that humans have. Of the two, humans seem the dumb animals to me. How many people do you know can live off the land? That takes true intelligence that people have forgotten. Survival sensitivity is true intelligence.
     "Okay, I'll do it to save things at the company."
     "You don't sound too enthused."
     "Todd, if what you say is true, things are not as I pictured them. How do think I'd feel if Matt turns out not to be the man I thought he was?"
     "Depends on how much you really love him. If you truly love him, then it won't be so difficult, and it will make the two of you happier. Come on outside. My friends are waiting."